


all you want is for somebody to find you

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Tumblr Prompt Responses [9]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Mentions of Murder, alternate ending for fight or flight, mentions of doug kendall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-22 22:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30045612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: It's Maddie's turn to take the stand in Doug's trial and she realises, for the first time, that she's surrounded by people who love and care for her, willing to share their strength with her.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley & Athena Grant, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Tumblr Prompt Responses [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129619
Comments: 14
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Could you do an AU where Doug doesn't die but gets arrested & Maddie, Chimney and Buck have to testify and Maddie's really scared about having to relive it all and facing Doug again but Chimney comforts her and the rest of the Firefam stand behind her in support as she testified?

“I don’t think I can do this.” 

They had all been silent up until then, everyone gathered outside of the courthouse, just breathing in the intensity of the last few days. Buck had taken to the stand first, talking about how he had found Chimney lying on the floor outside of her apartment building and then how he had found her in Big Bear. Athena had been next, stoic and professional, going through every step they had taken to find her and what they had found when they had gotten there. And then had come Chimney’s turn and he had spoken of Jason and of what little memory he had of that night and Maddie had been in awe of how brave he had been throughout. 

She was last. She couldn’t do what everyone else had done. The panic was starting to set in, she had barely slept for weeks, so terrified of the court day that had been looming over her for almost a year since everything had happened. It was a miracle Doug had survived, she had fought so hard to survive and she had. But at what cost? Because he’s still here and there’s still a chance he could get out in ten years, maybe even less because she doesn’t think she can say anything that she needs to. 

When Maddie had walked away from him as he laid in the snow that day, she had truly thought he was dead. A sense of freedom had washed over her, she thought that maybe, just maybe, she could have a future one day, one that didn’t involve looking over her shoulder. Doug’s death, as temporary as it had been, had felt like a  _ relief.  _ For just a moment, she had felt as though maybe it could be possible to breathe again. She had been suffocating for so long, she’s not sure she knows  _ how _ to breathe now. 

When she was nineteen, she had fallen in love with a handsome medical student and she had thought that finally she would have something that was hers. Somebody to love  _ her _ and only her without the ghost of her brother standing between them or a hope of what could have been and what should have been. For the first time in a long time, she was loved. The constant phone calls and the text messages, needing to know where she was, who she was with and what she was doing had felt like someone cared. It had been so long since somebody had genuinely cared about her, she didn’t see them as the red flags she does now. She just felt the warmth of his love for her and she clung onto it as tightly as she possibly could. 

And then everything had changed and by then, it was too late. She was in love, she had nobody else but him and she so desperately wanted to cling to the man she had fallen in love with.

Doug had always said it would be the two of them, they would live together, grow old together and die together. The thought of living the rest of her life in fear for the day he gets out of jail pulsates through her as she stares at the faces of the people who have stood by her side. “I know you’re scared.” Chimney is the first to talk, taking a careful step towards her and for a second, it’s not him as he is now that she sees but the pale version of him lying on the concrete floor with blood pouring from him. She had thought he was dead, for over twenty-four hours she had thought she was living in a world without the kind, gentle, patient man she cared for so much. She loved him now, in a way she never thought she could love. It was different from when she had been nineteen and head over heels for the man who could give her everything she had ever wanted and so much more. The love she had for Chimney didn’t consume her in every single way possible, her heart didn’t beat for him as it had done for Doug. She felt as though it beat  _ because  _ of the way he loved her. She was safe at last, loved in the way she only could have dreamt of once. 

The love she had for Doug had been intense and defiant, stubborn at times. The love she has for the man standing in front of her just… makes sense. It feels like freedom, she feels lighter when she’s with him. How she felt for Doug had always felt something was weighing her down, crushing her, consuming her. She doesn’t mean to compare the two - Doug and Chimney are two entirely different people but she can compare  _ herself _ . The person she had once been and the person she was now but they were starting to intermingle; she had spent so long healing and now… spending the last few days facing him, she’d taken ten steps back. She was Maddie Kendall again, terrified and alone. 

“I-I can’t… I can’t sit there and tell people what he did to me whilst he listens. I can’t… he keeps looking at me and I feel like I’m right back in Big Bear or in that car with him and I think you’re dead and I have the blood of a stranger on my face and I’m begging for him to kill me because I’m so tired of fighting and this… I’m not scared. I’m terrified and I know, okay? I know he can’t hurt me now but what if they don’t believe us?” She ignores the looks of disbelief on the faces of the people around them, there’s evidence but Doug had decided to fight back. Of course he did, she would expect no less of the man who believed everything he had done was for love. “What if they don’t believe  _ me?”  _

Her brother shakes his head, stepping forward as he reaches out a hand for hers that she doesn’t take, moving to step back instead as her chest feels tight. “They’ll believe you and you’ve prepared for this, you can do this. You are the strongest person I know and I know that you can do this. And soon, this will all be over and he’ll be exactly where he belongs.” 

Prison should feel like justice but what happens in ten years or fifteen years or twenty? What happens when he’s free again and she’s moved on and will  _ she _ ever be truly free? It feels as though her entire body is on fire and she’s more than grateful when Chimney moves by her side, wrapping an arm around her waist. “I don’t know… how to... “ She tries to find the air to breathe again, tears in her eyes, “He has this way of making me doubt everything. He could twist it all, h-he’d hit me because I-I burnt the dinner or I broke something or he lost someone in work… or just because he  _ needed _ to and he’d tell me it was my fault and I… I believed him. Every single time. And I know that’s a defence mechanism, it was just… easier to believe that I could change because he never would and I know that… I know it’s complex and I-I’ve done all this with my therapist and I  _ know _ but when I’m around him, I don’t  _ feel  _ it. I feel… I feel like I’m in that house and I can’t breathe. What if I get on that stand and he… he looks at me and I just… break? What if I say something wrong? I-I stabbed him, I almost killed him, I filed for divorce, I never pressed charges for anything he ever did to me. The jury might… they could twist it. He could twist it.”

Half of her knows that it’s just her own panic and anxiety talking, that her mind is running a million miles per hour. She has the truth on her side but Doug has his own truth. He  _ believes _ that he loves her, that the way he loves her is right. He  _ believes _ that everything he had ever done to hurt her was because she had made him do it. It was her fault, it was always her fault. Chimney being stabbed was because she had run to LA and tried to move on. The man in the gas station - Roman - had a wife and two kids and he was a good man who had tried to help her and he had died because she had tried to run.

“Maddie, hey, it’s okay. You know what? It’s scary, okay? Sitting there and telling the truth to a bunch of strangers… it’s uncomfortable, it’s awful at times and the questions his lawyer are going to throw at you, just as he did the rest of us, are going to be designed to trip you up. Sitting there is going to be hard but it is not the hardest thing you have done.” Athena is standing in front of her with that overwhelming strength radiating from her, her head held high and her grip on Maddie’s hand tight. “You survived him, Maddie and this is your time to tell your side of the story and you are going to get through it. And yes, he’s going to be in the room but so will we. We’ll be right there and whenever you need us, you can just look… we are all here because we love and care about you. You are one hell of a fighter and you are going to go in there and tell the truth because that is something you have that he does not.” 

Maddie gulps, bottom lip trembling before she gives a small nod of her head, feeling the burning sensation inside her chest easing, just a little. This was just another fight but this time, she wasn’t alone. She had the people looking at her right then, looking at each of them as she tries to inhale some of that confidence they have in her. Chimney, Buck, Eddie, Hen, Athena, Bobby, Josh and Sue… the group of people who have become her family, and she has no idea what she would do without them. 

The fear still lingers but she at least feels a little stronger, moving to lean into Chimney, resting his head on her shoulder when she lets out a broken sob. His lips press to the top of her head and she knows, more than she’s ever known anything, that he will never hurt her. “You are extraordinary, Maddie, I know you can do this.” His words causes a different kind of tension in her chest, her heart feeling so full of love and adoration for this person she had found in the darkness. 

She gulps at the sight of her lawyer heading towards them, pulling away to wipe at her eyes before she takes a deep, trembling exhale of breath, nodding her head, “Let’s do this.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so all I know of the court room is what I've watched on TV, so don't expect this to be accurate. Designed for maximum drama and minimal realism. I'm not a lawyer but I do watch Good Trouble and For The People so... kinda close.

Maddie thinks she might be sick; the questions she’d answered from her own lawyer were hard enough. She had gone through every moment of those twenty-four hours and bits and pieces of their marriage before whilst not being able to go into too much information because his lawyer had already pointed out several times that he wasn’t on trial for domestic violence. 

“When you filed for divorce, you didn’t mention any violence. In fact, the paperwork just states unreasonable behaviour and irreconcilable differences.” His lawyer is smiling at her as though he wasn’t just about to try and destroy her and she bites down on her lip with a small nod of her head. She can feel the exhaustion in her body and mind already; she had spent what had felt like hours but was probably an hour at the most talking about how Doug had just turned up and how he had dragged her past Chimney’s bleeding body, how he’d hit her, how… how he had shot someone in front of her, how he wanted to kill her and almost succeeded. And now she had to talk some more and she’s not sure she can do it. Her throat feels raw, she just feels as though she’s forcing back tears that so long to fall. 

No one else had broken on the stand and she needs to stay strong, her eyes gazing across the room to focus on Athena for just a second, hoping she can channel some of her power before she takes a breath, “I spoke to my lawyer and we agreed that there wasn’t sufficient evidence to support any claim of violence in the marriage. There weren’t any police reports and I was a nurse so any injuries… for the most part, were kept off my medical record.” Her voice somehow sounds stronger than she feels and the man nods his head and she hates him so much, even more so because her husband is sitting next to him with a smug look on his face as though he’s going to get away with this. 

And what if he does? Innocent people went to prison every single day for something they didn’t do, so it would make sense that guilty people would walk free. 

“Right, so, from your husband’s point of view, you - after sixteen years of a relationship - packed a bag and left without a word. So, of course he was going to look for you, right? In fact, he was so worried about you that he took time off work. Didn’t you feel you owed him an explanation?” 

She’s being gaslit by a lawyer, she can feel it in the way her heart is thumping so hard and fast that she thinks she might pass out. She gulps, “Doug always said that if I ever left him that he would kill me, so no, I didn’t feel as though I owed him an explanation. There might not be any evidence of what he did to me but he knows.” 

For just a second, she dares herself to look at her husband, digging her nails into her thighs in an attempt to stop her hands from shaking. And that’s how it continues; with Doug looking sorry for himself whilst his lawyer continues to ask her questions until, “Your hands weren’t tied when you walked into that gas station, he wasn’t holding a gun to you, he didn’t even have his hands on you most of the time you were in there, so why should we believe your version of events? How do we know you weren’t complicit in the events that took place in the gas station? How do we know that  _ you _ weren’t the one holding that gun?” 

“Objection - your honour, my client isn’t the one on trial here.” 

“Maybe she should be.” 

It feels as though she can’t breathe, the air around her is too warm and too tight and she can’t look over at the people she calls family because all she can feel is this overwhelming shame as her eyes stare at the video footage they’d shown in the courtroom. Of her, walking into the gas station, the bruises on her face barely apparent in the black and white colouring of the footage. Her head is held low, Doug’s hand is on her elbow and then he lets go and she’s talking to the person he’s going to murder in five minutes. And really, only she and Doug know what happened when the cameras weren’t watching. Her eyes are on her husband and for just a moment, she’s right back in Big Bear with him and she’s terrified but she  _ wants _ to live. She hadn’t given up and now here they were, surrounded by people listening to everything she had only really gone over behind the closed door of therapy before or to the police at the time. 

It takes her a moment to tear her eyes away from the man she had once loved so much, instead, looking into the ones of the man she loves  _ now _ . The man who would never hurt her, he would never make her feel the way Doug always had. She was scared, she can remember feeling fear all the time as though it was the one and only thing she had to hold onto. “Mrs Kendall?” 

She flinches at the sound of her name, knowing it’s still legally everything she is but she doesn’t  _ feel _ like that woman anymore. Her eyes glance at the man, grabbing onto her hand and digging her nails into her palm until she feels blood dripping down and the pain is what pulls her back into the present. “I-I’m sorry, what did you….?” 

“Was Big Bear your idea?” 

“Yes. I wanted… I thought Chim… Howard, I thought he was dead and then Roman… the man at the gas station, he tried to help. He didn’t realise what he was getting in the way of but he tried anyway and he died for it and I’m so sorry to his family, to anyone who loved him. I wish I could… if I could go back I wouldn’t have tried to run. I didn’t want anyone else to die and I know what my husband is capable of and I couldn’t stand to see another person get hurt because of him. Because of me. So, I suggested Big Bear to get him off the road and so we could just be alone… so, the only people he had left to hurt was me and himself.” 

“And when you left him alone… bleeding… in the snow after you had stabbed him three times, did you know he was still breathing?”

Maddie shakes her head, “I didn’t think he could survive, I didn’t… I know he was still breathing but if I had… I still would have left. I still would have tried to get as far away from him as I possibly could. I didn’t think I would survive, I just knew that I didn’t want to die next to him and give him that satisfaction when he’d said it was what would happen all along.” 

He’s not smirking anymore, he seems less confident in his approach back towards Doug, who has sat up a little more and is staring at her as though if he could, he would reach forward and wrap his hands around her throat, just as he always used to do. Not anymore. Even if he only serves twenty years for murder and attempted murder and not a single year for anything she had gone through, it’s twenty more years of peace than she had ever had. “No more questions, your honour.” 

It’s a blur; stepping down from the stand, feeling the gentle hand of her lawyer on her back and then suddenly, she’s back outside and it feels as though it was all some awful nightmare that she can’t pull herself out of. She can’t even remember what she said, all she can see is those brown eyes of the man she had once so lovingly looked into and promised to stand by his side for the rest of their lives. If only she had known before… if only… she could have foreseen how bad it would get, so far beyond the constant checking up on her and the tight grip of her hand and… maybe if she could have known how it would end, she could have changed some of her story sooner.

“You did so good. I’m so proud of you.” Her brother is the first to break the silence, with a huge smile on his face, looking as though he’s about to burst into tears until he’s wrapping his arms so tightly around her that she feels as though she’s back in Big Bear for just a second. She didn’t give up then, she can’t give up now, not when they are so damn close to Doug actually paying for his crimes. He’d tried to kill Chimney, he had killed a stranger for just getting in the way and he had kidnapped her and tried to kill her, too. He had to pay. He had to be held accountable no matter what he was uttering to his lawyer to try and lessen his sentence or to make himself seem a little more innocent by making her seem guilty.

Chimney is there, the moment her brother pulls back, pressing soft lips against her cheek, “You were amazing, that was… it was hard to watch, I can’t even imagine… I’m so proud of you.” It feels like a weight lifted off her shoulders to know that the two men who mean the most to her in the world feel  _ proud _ of her. And for a moment, she feels as though maybe she should feel that way about herself, too. 

Athena grins, reaching out a hand for her which she gratefully takes, “I had no doubt Buckette. You really showed that lawyer up.” The other woman scoffs as Maddie smiles at her, not even realising the tears she had been holding back have fallen until Chimney’s thumb is gently brushing them from her cheeks. Bobby stands proudly next to his wife, just giving her a smile. 

Hen takes a breath, “I think we definitely need to go for a drink after that, and Maddie isn’t paying for a single round.” There’s noises of agreement surrounding her and she lets out a laugh despite the emotional turmoil of the day; she had been planning on going home and being by herself, letting the day overcome her until she’d barely be able to breathe through the tears. But being surrounded by the people who have quickly become her family, feeling just a slice of joy in the midst of so much unknown darkness as they wait for the jury to come back, there’s nowhere else she’d rather be right then. 

“Thank you. All of you.” When she had run to LA, she had thought she would see her brother and maybe get a chance for some closure. She had never expected to find the people she had, especially not Chimney. She had never thought she could fall in love again, not after everything. 

“I might even sing karaoke for you.” Josh is practically yanking her from her boyfriend's arms as she laughs, wrapping an arm around his waist whilst Sue comes to her other side, holding her tightly, too. She has a home, and if there’s any justice in the world, Doug’s home will be behind bars for the rest of his life and maybe she can find some peace in that. 


End file.
